how do I even know that i miss him? maybe it’s the concepts of him I made up in my head or the fact i have 0 male validation even if it’s from someone that genuinely cares about me. I do feel like i did like him even if it was forced but I’m starting to think it wasn’t even though it was? I don’t know what the situation was between us but he meant something to me, he definitely showed me things I didn’t want. But i miss him even though I’m the one that cut things off, i know I justified ghosting since I wasn’t even losing anything besides time but i should of just game myself closer but it doesn’t even matter anymore. We never were and won’t be anything ever. I definitely think we were meant to happen to eachother though, so.. i know he thinks of me in this way too, probably negatively to be honest. man this is embarrassing.
I’m kinda being delusional again but are we surprised about that… lol no. But I’m not gonna lie I really miss talking to him it’s been like almost two weeks and a part of me wants to talk to him just for convenience but the other part is like he doesn’t even value me as a friend let alone as a romantic partner. He hasn’t even asked for my number, or even asked me to hangout. Like he lives 40 minutes away from me and he doesn’t even want to drive to see me, and I whenever I’m up north with my aunt who lives less than 10 minutes away he just doesn’t want to see me. Like I feel like I’m such a joke and I know he doesn’t like me but then he’s told me things that are super specific like I’m really upset that he doesn’t give me actual signals. I know I could be like “hey let’s hang out!” But no way I’m gonna be chasing over a man… like I purposely give him “openings” for him to ask me but he literally just never gets it and it’s like… if he doesn’t want me then what am I doing. Like I’m genuinely so confused about this whole situation, and I kinda think it’s because he knows I haven’t had my first kiss and he hasn’t either and at our age it’s seemed as “late” even though it’s really not cause people grow in their own places and I feels like I’ve been growing so much and he hasn’t at all. I’m happy to say that even though I obviously still struggle with mental health and my own personal problems but I can cope with them and acknowledge that I just can’t have other people deal with them when I myself haven’t. This one time it was like 3 am and I couldn’t sleep and he was watch a soccer game when the Olympics were happening, tbh I was being a little toxic lol but there was no reason for him to make me feel bad for wanting to share my playlists and he made it such a bigger deal than it actually was, he started getting mad at me for god knows what
